Friday, February 02, 2007

Dad's ditties

I commented earlier on Minx's post about Spring with a ditty my dad used to chant to us when we were kids.

Here's another I've dredged up from my childhood archive:

In days of old
When knights were bold
And paper wasn't invented,
You had to wipe your arse
On a piece of grass
And had to be contented.

That's dad for you. At 92, he still proves a worthy challenger in my sons' burping contests and, until his heart attack last year, could run faster than I can - a fact my children took great pleasure in pointing out.

So what about you? Do you know any childish ditties with content of dubious suitability for childish ears?


Unknown said...

My dad also had a list of dodgy ditties that he used to roll out on occasion (usually on a long car journey).

I remember that he also loved to corrupt nursery rhymes when we were very young -

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty dumpty had a great fall
all the kings horses
and all the kings men
went to the pub and had a drink

Little Miss Muffet
sat on a tuffet
eating her curds and whey
along came a spider
who sat down beside her
so she ate that as well.

Unknown said...

One we used to sing on the bus on the way home from school in first year:

What do you do,
when you want to go the loo,
in an english country garden?

Pull down your pants
and fertilise the plants
in an english country garden

then take a leaf
and wipe underneath
in an english country garden

Very childish and I'm sure we drove the bus-driver up the walls with that one... Bear in mind that it used to take an hour and half to get home as well.

God I enjoyed that!

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Meloney Lemon said...

Willy was a sheepdog
lying in the grass
Along came a bee
and stung him in the

Ask no questions
tell no lies
I saw a policeman
doing up his

Flies are a nuisance
bees are worse
And thats the end
of my little verse

Saaleha said...

actually, now I find my childhood to be sadly lacking. I don't know any except

twinkle twinkle little star
how I wonder what you are
up above the world so high
like a diamond in the nose

I this I heard from a younger cousin. I'm going to have a word with my parents about this

Confucious Trevaskis said...

Well I'm obviously from a rougher end of town that you lot, cos the only one I can remember is....

There was an old lady from Ealing
Who had an incredible feeling
She lay on her back
and opened her (Rhymes with back but starts with cr....)
And pissed all over the ceiling.....

Oh just remembered one my aunt used to sing me when I was about 5 or the tune of john browns body

John Browns cow
did a shit against the wall (repeat endlessly)

I think she did it to annoy my mum - which worked a treat.......

Hope you're feeling better now Debi!

Anonymous said...

"Diarreah, diarreah...
people thinks it's funny
but it's rather very runny
diarreah, diarreah...
no fuss
no strain
it comes like the rain
diarreah, diarreah..."

is about all i can recall of that particular one.

talking of limericks, one i used to love as a kid was:

"there was a young lady from gloucester,
whose parents thought they had lost her,
from the fridge came a sound,
and at last she was found,
the trouble was how to defrost her".

and as i'm on a roll, how about the best bad joke i've heard all week:

Q: Where does Kylie Minogue buy her kebabs?

A: At Jason's Döner Van!

you've been a lovely audience, take care going home and god bless...

Unknown said...

Er, well, I finally discovered the entire There was a young man from Nantucket limerick this week. But I don't suppose I should repeat it in polite company.

My favourite spring rhyme was always:
Spring has sprung
And the grass is riz
I wonder where de boidies is.
De boid is on de wing!
But dat's absoid!
De wing is on de boid!

Of course there's always Ipsy Wispy Spider climbing up a spout...
These are my two drops of rain waiting on the window pane...

Debi said...

Aty - that's mine! Hands off! De boidies de one I left on de Minx ...

S. Kearney said...

My father's crude sayings would be too much to print here!

I do remember him once taping a note up in the loo: "our aim is to keep this place clean, your aim would help!"

There are seven boys in my family and two sisters!

I had to laugh when I saw this very same sign up in a pub loo in London a few years ago ... and I thought my father was being original!

The other thing I loved when I was younger: whenever a visitor wanted to know where the toilet was, he would answer, "it's second left down the hall ...(and he would always add) ... if the light comes on when you open the door, then you know you're in the fridge".

Marie said...

These are great. Thanks for the laugh!

Unknown said...

I remember Willy was a sheepdog too! Another medley we used to sing on the bus... misspent childhood...!