It was suggested to me here that I could lean out of the bathroom window to smoke while I was away last week.
But I've had bad experiences in that area that have left permanent psychological scars.
A few years ago, we were in Bristol where G was running in a half marathon.
No smoking anywhere in the hotel.
But no one will be any the wiser if I just slip into the bathroom, I thought ...
A few puffs in ...
... fire alarm shrieks.
It's me, I think in horror.
I must have activated a smoke alarm ...
'It's ok,' I tell G and the kids.
'It's a ... er ... false alarm.'
A few minutes later, there's frantic knocking on our door.
'Evacuate the hotel!' a voice yells. 'There's a fire alarm.'
What can we do?
I can't tell him the 'fire' was less than a centimetre in cirumference and had been dangling from my lips a few minutes earlier.
So outside we go to join all the other disgruntled guests, workers etc huddled in the car park.
I shrink away to the periphery, casting guilty glances all round.
Can anyone tell?
Will they smell the smoke on me?
What will they do to me if they find out???
I spot a woman I'd met earlier and sidle over to her.
'This is a drag,' I say, twisting my features into a rictus grin.
'OMG,' she replies.
'It was me!
It was all my fault.
I'd sneaked into the bathroom for a crafty smoke and it set the alarms off!'