Monday, November 20, 2006

Debi's guide to the major dos and don'ts of blogging.

So. Here I am. I've been skipping round this here blogosphere for many a moon now and I've picked up several pieces of wisdom along the way that I consider it my duty to share.

If you're new to blogdom, pay close attention. I'm going to impart these pearls to you because no one did it for me when I was just starting out. If only I had known then what I know now ...

This is it then. The Debi guide to the times when it is essential that you turn to your blog. And those times when you absolutely, indubitably, 100%edly, shouldn't be allowed within 50 miles of an internet connection.

WHEN ONLY BLOGGING WILL DO
  1. When you're so angry you're screaming into your pillow with no one to hear you rant except the dust mites. And they gave up listening ages ago. In fact they've all got these teensy microscopic headphones and are boogying to the rhythm of your head banging on the pillow. Except the really poor ones who can't afford headphones and who just stick their little dust mite fingers in their little dust mite ears and sing, 'Lah lah lah lah! We can't hear you!'
  2. When you're so happy you want to share the cause of your delight and spread the good vibes as far as you can virtually fling them.
  3. When you have some really useful advice. (This post being a case in point.)
  4. When you need some really useful advice. (Some may say this post is also a case in point.)
  5. When you want to share a joke/pain/opinion/debate/stream of consciousness with a wider audience than the wooden duck you bought in Marazion but didn't want or even like but someone broke its beak and damages have to be paid for even when it's a helluva lotta money for a bloody wooden duck even if it's quite a nice piece of wood but it's got a malevolent glint in its eye ...
AND THOSE TIMES TO STAY AWAY. NO, THAT'S NOT FAR ENOUGH. BACK A BIT. BIT MORE. BIT MORE ...
  1. When you've popped onto the laptop to check something for your 11 year old's homework and supper's on the stove. Fight that little voice whispering in your ear, 'Go on. Just a quick peek ...' Before you know it, the overcooked food was eaten aeons ago - along with everything else in your fridge, freezer and cupboards. And you've had your benefit cut because your First Born is over 18 - even though he's still in Year 7 because he's yet to hand in his homework.
  2. When you're so off your face you can't remember how to open the laptop and find yourself staggering off in search of a hammer and chisel.
  3. During a wedding - especially if it's yours - or you're the minister/registrar/photographer/best man/bridesmaid.
  4. During a funeral. Unless it's yours. Otherwise the next one will be.
  5. When you're driving/bathing/operating heavy machinery/operating on a patient/being shot at.
There are many more of course.

So I'm sending an appeal to all you seasoned bloggers out there. Let's create the ultimate list. Our gift to the world and to virgin bloggers everywhere.

14 comments:

Steve Harmison said...

In my experience, 'Do' blog when at work...
Which explains why mine is so scant- now a student again

Leo said...

This was great! Allright I have two...

Do blog...

When you have nothing to say. Nothing posts turn out to be the best ones.

Do not blog...

If in a conversation with someone, esp. a spouse or good friend.
It will not be taken lightly.

Debi said...

Welcome, Steve, me old mate. Good to see you here. Hope studenting is working out well for you.

Leo, oh Leo. How right you are re the conversation. And how often I ignore this excellent advice!

Sharon J said...

Don't blog if you need to kill 10 minutes. It's impossible to stay around the blogsphere for just 10 minutes.

Don't blog if you can't get to sleep. Blogging will never help you sleep.

Am now off to take my own advice. G'nite xx

Debi said...

Were you really blogging at 2.16am, Sharon???

Steerforth said...

I tend to post comments and Amazon reviews after several glasses of wine. At the time they seem witty. In the morning they're clearly rubbish.

Debi said...

Steerforth - that's called a hangover... when everything seems unutterably crap and meaningless. It's not real!

I've yet to see a rubbish post or comment from you ...

Marie said...

I make sure never to post a comment anywhere when drunk because I don't want to embarrass myself!

Caroline said...

Ohhhhhh this is sooooooo good!
Don't blog at nights. It leads to lots of very strange dreams including twister and blogging buddies! Oh and don't name your blog after your first novel - because that's a really stupid thing to do!!!!!!!!!
Oh and do blog, because you get to meet really nice folks! And lots of the bloggers have magic powers :-)

Cx

crimeficreader said...

When to blog:
When you think you've fallen in love with actor Jason Isaacs in The State Within... (He makes my state within all cockahoop.)
When not to blog:
When you really should be filling out that tax return...

gentlemanoracle said...

THis was excellent advice and very funny.

DOn't blog when you have essays or assignmnts to do as they tend to get forgotten and you have to ask for another extention

Minx said...

To blog or not to blog - is not a question - it is a state of being.

I say -

"forget life - choose blogging"

Debi said...

Well hasn't this turned into something of a confessional???

Marie - I'm now wondering if your problems with Beta are a cover for excess alcohol intake.

Caroline has twisted dreams.

Cfr is in virtual leerrvvee.

GO never gets any work done.

Minx is lying through her teeth. She has never, will never and could never forget life.

Confucious Trevaskis said...

My only advice would be...post when you feel the urge to......

read blogs when you don't....

and stop watching TV........

the rest of the time ...you'll be asleep!