Saturday, May 05, 2007

How are you on forgiving?

It's hard sometimes, isn't it?

Some people believe that nursing old grievances is a cause of sickness.

But it can be hard to let go ...

Carrie Fisher apparently said that refusing to forgive is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

Clever Carrie ...

11 comments:

Verilion said...

Wise words indeed. I'm trying to be forgiving, but sometimes distance and time are needed too.

Marie said...

I find it hard to forgive anyone that's really hurt me. I know it's wrong, as it isn't doing me any good, but I can't help it.

skint writer said...

why? what have you done?

Minx said...

True words indeed. Harbouring any negative emotions/feelings is bad for us. Fear of losing control/face/self esteem is usually what holds us back. Let it go and feel ten times lighter.

Meloney Lemon said...

It depends on the person, the circumstances, how wearisome maintaining the grudge is.... but I'd have to say, in the end it eats you up. Forgiveness is foremost in all religions. Hard though, sometimes.

Debi said...

There's a huge difference between forgiving and forgetting. And forgiving doesn't mean that all's sweetness and light and you give the person the opportunity to hurt you again.

It just means you've come to terms with what happened and can see how it fits into the story of your life.

That's how I see it anyway ... Joan? Where are you? I know you have stuff to say re this ...

Anonymous said...

Forgiveness. It's hard. My own spin on it, which I have to say I don't always pull off but which works when I do, is to somehow keep two separate perspectives alive and move between the two. If you're hurt or damaged your rage is entirely valid and to deny it or cover it up is to fail to respect and acknowledge your own real self. On the other hand the person who hurt you has their own struggle to contend with and if you can look at them and understand where they're coming from it's sometimes possible to feel compassion and to forgive. So you have your inner hurt child and your inner wiser maturer compassionate adult. Both matter. Both need to be acknowledged. The trick (for me) is to keep both alive and to try not to get bogged down in either.
It reminds me of the earlier debate here - the one that followed G's assault by some youths in Deptford. Debi and G's rage in the aftermath was totally valid but at the same time it was possible to see how damaged the perpertrators were themselves (I thought) and to set that perspective alongside the other.
But, forgivess... it isn't easy. But it's worth a shot, I've found that when I get bogged down in the hurt child part I can do far more damage to myself than the other person did to me.
Joan

Anonymous said...

Sorry. I meant to add that when I get bogged down in the 'wise compassionate adult' part I float off into some airy fairy,meaningless, sweetness and light place leaving the hurt child marooned and ignored and even more enraged, which also does untold damage. Both matter. It isn't half hard though.
Joan

carolyn says said...

forgiveness is so tricky. when i was mugged in chicago in 2000 i had no trouble forciving the kid who mugged me because i could see he was a stupid kid who needed (and given the state of the chicago legal sytem, probably still needs)help. but i have allowed myself not to forgive 2 other people from my past who hurt me in a much more personal manner, despite the fact that they were both stupid kids who needed (and probably still need)help. Even though i've come to terms with what they did I've also come to terms with the fact that i don't want to forgive them and that they don't deserve to be forgiven.

This probably holds me back in some karmic way but i'm willing to take that chance for the time being.

all that said, there are at least 2 people in my life who I know i hurt badly and in a very personal way (being a kid and being stupid at the time) and i would give anything to know that they were able to forgive me for being such a jerk but that's something i will probably never know and that's part of my punishment for a) being a jerk and b) being a grudgeholder

Anonymous said...

Good point Carolyn. Two way street forgiveness. We've all hurt people. Imagine if nobody ever forgave us!
Peering into the abyss.
Joan

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