Thursday, April 19, 2007

Techy tantrum

I don't hate you.

I'm not ignoring you.

There's nothing wrong with me.

Or you.

But there evidently is something wrong with my bloody email - again!

I've had phone calls from people worrying that there's some nameless crisis going on.

I've had emails from people worrying if they might have upset me ...

And they're only the ones I know about.

There could be loads of people out there feeling irritated or rejected.

I think the problem's only with my sent mail not arriving.

(I hope so - otherwise I'll need to have anxiety attacks that there are emails floating round in the ether from my agent promising the earth - but for a time limited period ...)

I know about some of the ones I've sent that never arrive (even though they don't bounce back and appear quite happy nestling in my sent list).

But it's inevitable there must be more that I don't know about ....

I have 3 different email addresses.
The Freeserve one that many friends use and that also have 'official' stuff carefully filed in.
The one attached to my website.
And a Google one.

I think the Google one might be faring better ... (though I know of at least one person not getting my mail from there either).

If you think I've gone all quiet, I haven't.
I've probably been shrieking into cyberspace at you and wondering why you weren't responding.


Wonder where all the lost emails go ...

Maybe I'll find them in the airing cupboard where I located G's lucky tights ...


Unknown said...

Email arrived, to both my addresses, from your gmail address and I've replied... hope it reached you.

Jan said...

Who is G who has Lucky Tights?
Who is He or Who Is She?
Lost emails (in my experience) usually go to Motherinlaws or "People On Committeees Who Are Not Really Your Friends".
Sorry. I am a bit silly today ( as I have debilitatatating toothache after RCT yesterday.)
And to "cap" it all ( sorry, wrong word in the circumstances) it's just been said on the News that ( possibly) dental patients are in danger of Mad Cow Disease after RCT...
Think I'll have a tin of Rice Pudding.

Debi said...

Any pain in the head is far bigger than a pain in the arse, Jan. Poor you.

For revelations about G's lucky tights, check the link in the post.

Anonymous said...

Dear Ms Alper,
we are holding a number of your emails in storage as they did not wish to proceed to their destination, or have not wanted to return to your computer as they are feeling the effects of 'marathon' stress.

Here is the report -

Mail 1 - concerning your request to the council for a swimming pool to be built in the car park next to your flat. Mail 1 is, at present shaking in his boots as he does not wish to impart the negative response to you. He has dealt with your corespondence to the council in the past.

Mail 2 - is suffering a split personality from being sent to a hen that is not a hen, who has two email accounts and one them may be Granny Were's.

Mail 3 - is stoned.

Mail 4 - is confused and now wishes to be known as Mary Mail.

Mail 5 - is laughing too much but says that Ann Summers have requested that you choose a new vibrator model from their catalogue. The BIG RED ONE that you picked out is in fact a fire extinguisher.

Debi said...

Dear Lost Email Department,

I am writing to protest in the strongest possible terms re your report. I am sure you must be aware that I would find this report in the early (for me - these things are relative) morning, when my pelvic floor muscles are at their weakest.

I therefore attach a bill for the additional washing resulting from the tone of your report.

As for the content, I would be grateful if you could attach the following responses. Obviously I have to do this here on my blog as - yes - MY BLOODY EMAIL'S NOT WORKING PROPERLY.

Mail 1 - this was not actually an email but the treatment for my current book which must have decided to leave my hard drive in protest at the paltry amount of attention I have been giving it.

Mail 2 - this situation has now been rectified - no thanks to you.

Mail 3 - so? This is a way of life not an acceptable excuse for lying round in cyberspace.

Mail 4 - mail or femail - gender is irrelevant.

Mail 5 - this is the one responsible for the washing bill (see above).

I look forward to hearing your response at the earliest inconvenient moment.

Yours insincerely,


Anonymous said...

Listen Alper,
It is a well known fact in the ether, that your constant abuse of emails and femails has resulted in the setting up of Nirvana House - home for diseased and abused mails.
We have dealt with most of the backlog but have held onto a few as they are deemed illegal.
e.g Mail from Minx - suggesting 'a-trip-up-the-opposition' spell, for use in the marathon on Sunday. She has also requested that you pass on the fire extinguisher.

We have also intercepted a huge amount of spam suggesting various garages where one can get one's pelvic floor repaired.

Debi said...


As of immediate effect the Lost Emails Dept has been merged with the Lost Sanity Dept which has in turn been merged with the Lost the Will to Live Dept.

As a result there have of course been inevitable job losses.

This institution has no further need of witches who pose as bureaucrats. Most have accepted voluntary redundancy. The one remaining employee who works in our Cornish branch has been forcibly located to the Nirvana House.

It is feared that said institution will never be the same again ...

Unknown said...


Unknown said...

o dear. As Mr. Hardy might say - only Bathsheba might have said it first...

Unknown said...

can I have the address of that garage that fixes pelvic floors, while I'm at it...?

Jan said...

Revelations revealed.
I checked the kink in the tights as suggested...sorry, I meant the link in the post.

Anonymous said...

I sent you one about 2 nights ago but it returned to me--- I think it was a yahoo address.

Debi said...

Minx - no one's ever called me that before ...

Cailleach - quite right - only go on recommendations for repairs of such a (ahem) delicate nature.

Jan - are you suggesting G's kinky? Just cos he wears tights?

Maxine - double yikes. I didn't even know I had a Yahoo email ... At least yours bounced back so you knew I hadn't seen it ...

If anyone wants to try an alternative route - try debi dot alper at googlemail dot com.